I've been thinking about so many things lately. Important things. But without clarity. And I certainly don't have the gall to suppose you'd enjoy sitting with me while I untangle the knot in my head. Bless you, there are people who actually read this blog! Anyway, my heart and head have been full, and I've been worrying a lot, and feeling poorly. The last time I felt like this was on St Patrick's day. I took this picture of myself in my Irish sweater during a photo shoot of Jane playing golf in her little green vest. "I look old in it," I said to a friend on the phone. "I look drawn." I spoke to my mother that morning, too. " I'm just so tired. I feel like I can't hold it together. Everything just feels...wrong." I thought I might be depressed, you know, Depressed. By the afternoon I was throwing up. The plague that struck our house lasted for weeks.
I don't think I'm getting sick now. But I have my migraine. A frequent visitor--which also makes me feel old. And crotchety. I haven't been doing yoga, taking my vitamin, eating well, drinking enough water. I have been working hard, struggling with Jane's new developmental stage, staying up late, and living a very full life. Last night when Jane went down and it was time to work, I thought, "I can't do all this." There was a doll to work on, a birthday present to make, laundry to do, dishes (I abandoned them), blogging, a shower to take, a budget to balance, bills to pay, and many other basic things. I made a tally of everything I have going. In the end, I know that each item is essential, and cannot be cut. The only thing that could be cut was the sewing challenge I was going to do this week. I cut it. I stayed up late working on a doll wig, which I finished this afternoon. I'm happy with it, and that's a blessing. But I know I was just barely productive last night. I kept thinking all day, Something has to change.
I don't know what that something is. Besides all the wonderful but hard and time-consuming aspects of my life, there are things I have left undone, things that are no longer a part of my life. I think about Max Jacob every day. I think about the French language, and how even as I am losing it, I know it and understand it more deeply. I think about ballroom dance and rock climbing. I think about the friends in other cities and other countries I don't see and barely talk to. I don't regret choosing the things that fill up my life. But I still love the others tenderly. It hurts.
After Jane went down tonight, I read through the blogs on my reader. They can be a time suck, but they add value and energy to my day. They inspire me. Sometimes they align in very meaningful ways. Today I happened across these two posts about mindfulness and emptiness.... I have nothing more to say, except they are significant to me at this moment. My mind "is like a tree of jumping monkeys." Tired monkeys who still haven't taken a shower.
So I'm going to take a shower, and take my Tylenol, and take myself up to bed, perchance to sleep past three. But I can't go without leaving you a selection of photos from Port Townsend this past weekend. Let them speak for themselves for now. Later I'll fill in the blanks.