I mentioned in a post the other day that I find it pretty near impossible to juggle all the elements of my life right now, and that there are still other elements I'd like to have in the rotation. The truth is that for months I've been a) sensing a new, beautiful, perhaps frightening stage of my life in the offing, and b) feeling that at any moment my entire life will collapse like a house of cards. I guess this is life to a certain extent. But you have to have a strong center of balance to walk that sort of line, and I don't. I'm at a total loss for how to achieve this, let alone how to express it without sounding so overly self-help.
Tonight my parents-in-law are flying in from Boston for a long weekend. This is always a healing break for us, and I want to make the most of it. When they come, we set them up in my studio. Which is also the laundry room. And the guest room. And the junk room. It's a small room. So I'll be putting everything away, including the new garb I'm working on for the first doll I posted on Etsy. (After finally approaching my goal with the Wanderlust doll, I'm no longer satisfied with her original outfit.) Since cleaning means reorganizing, I can have a fresh start in this space when we have to say goodbye.
And while these wonderful people are here, loving us, and playing with Jane, and sharing good food, and mixing really stiff gin and tonics (oh, my ma-in-law!), I'm going to sneak away with my journal to tidy my thoughts and make a plan. Some things I already know. I know I need to nurture my body. I know I need to create a dependable rhythm for my days that I can realistically follow. I know I need to plan ahead. When we came back from Port Townsend on Mothers' Day, I was a total wreck. It took cleaning the house, bringing in vases of lilacs for the kitchen, the living room, my bedside; doing a bajillion loads of laundry; fussing in the garden; hearty soup; and yoga to bring me back to some semblance of a human being. I know how to do those things when there's someone to watch the baby. I know how to sew (sometimes with success) during a nap. I do not know how to bring all this together, and more, into a sustainable cycle, in my everyday life. I've been in a sisyphean cycle, scrabbling for a bit of success and then crashing and burning. I'm not depressed, but I know what depression is like. I am not going there again.
So I've made up my mind to do whatever is necessary to move forward. If you know me, you know how rare this is. And you know that when I make up my mind, nothing will stop me. (Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, negative self talk.) I'm turning off the computer. I'm taking a shower. I'm finding that bracelet tucked away with my frillies that says, "INVINCIBLE." I'm listening to the rain. I'm heading for the studio.
And P.S. Thanks for reading yet another tedious rehashing of my issues. Well, some of them anyway.