Hey--excuse the funky formatting. TypePad has changed their interface and I haven't the energy to work it out. Or edit this. So I won't be offended if you scroll down and look at my charming child. Except, this is actually really important...
As you may have noticed if you read this blog, from time to time I come down rather hard on myself for failure to perform, or in my insecurity, for lack of ability to perform. Failure is the key word for me on dark days. On your average day, when I've eaten and slept well and Jane's handled her diaper changes well--you know, without screaming, hitting, kicking or struggling for a blind examination of the contents--I might heave a sigh and mutter the word "unproductive." And then there are times when I'm feeling both ambitious and exhausted, days like today when the key words are "how the hell...?" As in, how the hell am I going to fit all this [wild gesticulation] into my life? On the way to our weekly and wonderful playgroup this morning, I ran through all the things I wanted to accomplish today, in the near future, in our life, with a serious excitement. This afternoon, on the other hand, as I stood frantically cutting out paper tags, sewing last minute roving to a gnome head, trying not to feel guilty for sticking my kid in front of Kipper, trying to ignore my snarling empty stomach and last night's dinner dishes, I thought, "There is no way, NO WAY in hell I am going to fit all my life into my life." And then I just kept jamming it on in there. Because as many times as I say this, I just can't accept it. (Hey, didn't I say that recently?) I want it, I want it all. And I'm not talking about the things I should want or the things I am expected to have. I am talking about my dreams. How powerful they are! I cast them aside as dreams, as unlikelihoods, and year after year after year they come back. And then, PING! One will come true.
I've always had trouble falling asleep at night. The brain clicks on and goes and goes. This is a maddening quality to have, and as I watch my husband drift off almost instantly when the light goes out I wish so much that my daughter will take after him after all. On the other hand, I spent those long presleep hours dreaming and planning as a girl. I dreamt about things that might happen to me, and the woman I might become, but mostly I dreamt of things I would make that people would buy. I've forgotten most of them now, but I can give you one example. At the time I had just gotten the Klutz book on Fimo, which included instructions for a sort of millefiori technique. I made buttons with it. They seemed to me to be both whimsical and elegant. So cool. I envisioned designing a series of simple and flattering basic garments for women, all out of muslin (obviously didn't wear a bra or think of undie lines at that time), and each with a row of these super-duper stand out buttons. I would sell them at Fox Paw and they would be a knock out. I came up with new ideas, over and over. Something would appeal to me personally, something handmade I would very much like to have--unique, artistic, innovative, funky, elegant. I would envision myself as its creator; I would envision my creations in the possession of people who derived from the work the same pleasure I had taken in its creation. Oh ho! I could see it now! There, on the shelf of an actual store, my beautiful brainchildren.
Today I went downtown and so lovingly and hesitantly arranged my brainchildren on the shelf of an actual store. Life is so full, and hard, and mind-numbing, but there they are--the dreams sneak up on you.
Today a dream I have dreamed for, truly, as long as I can remember, has come true. Can you believe it? I have nothing left to say, but to shake my head and smile.
Here are a few images from the final push, from our last two full, hard, mind-numbing, and oh so rewarding beautiful days.
Running with, talking to, hugging the moon. "Good morning, moon!"
a small but worthy dream--my first jelly, rosehips and apples from the yard. Success. crackers from leftover galette dough
heading downtown hello mountain This is Olympia. Just past this couple is the view of the harbor. Behind me, the capitol. She was really really pregnant, and they were really really good. One last picture. Then off to Gnome's World at Traditions, on the left of the image.
Bye bye, gnomes. I hope someone takes each one of you home and loves you. XO